Cinta Hati 🤍

21 January 2024.

Time flies. It's been a year since I've been with him. My best friend, my love, my future. He was a person I was familiar with in the past. It's weird how fate brought us together because I remembered liking everyone except him back then. He gave me a strong impression for disturbing me way too much that I told myself, "I'll never like this fella". But the tables were turned, and he's now the one I adore, admire, and love the most.

One year on, it never occurred to me that we'd reach this far. When I first met him, I was still struggling to remove my past; I kept reminding myself that this, too, shall pass. Every day, I sincerely prayed to God that I'd be able to find someone that could genuinely love me, more than I could ever love him. I went for my pilgrimage, with the hopes that I could heal my heart and soul. I even tried going on lots of dating apps. All these efforts, yet I still cried for the same guy after coming back from pilgrimage, thinking that no one could ever be like him; I still couldn't find the one.

But fate works most beautifully; God finally granted me what I've been wishing for the past 25 years. Two weeks later, 6 January 2023, as I was commuting back home from having dinner with my good friend, I received a message from someone I swiped right on on Muzz. I previously anticipated his message, thinking that he'd start a conversation, but he went quiet after swiping right on me, so I brushed things off. But this man popped again soon enough; my guts told me that this guy felt right. 

We chatted for a bit and things went well. I enjoyed talking to him, but have yet to catch feelings for him, especially ever since I found out that we were schoolmates. I couldn't look at him the same way ever since. I got less attracted to him, thinking that I wouldn't want to settle with someone I was familiar with. I asked around for opinions; should we continue to be friends? Or should I try to work things out? Everyone told me that I should give him a chance. I could also tell that he was very determined to get to know me. I remember being impressed when he searched about me on the internet. He even tried cooking spaghetti for me. From then on, I told God that if he's the one for me, I hope to open my heart for him and to genuinely love him for who he is.

It was not even a week ever since we recontacted. We met again in 14 years, on 9 January 2023. He told me that he wanted to buy me taro pie from Burger King. I was taken aback. Things were moving too fast. I told my best friends; everyone got excited. When he came by my workplace to hand me my pie, I pretended to be cool; it was my first time seeing him again after 14 years. I clearly was not impressed. He didn't look like how I'd imagined him to be. I asked myself, do I really want to continue this? It'd be unfair for me to continue if I didn't have any feelings for him. But I asked God again, and my instincts said yes. I decided to give him another chance. 

11 January 2023

We had our first date. An official one. It was somewhere we both didn't quite enjoy haha. I waited for him to fetch me from work. I wasn't anticipating anything because I didn't want to put up hopes on him, and also on myself. Yet, I did feel nervous as I couldn't think of any conversation starters. When he reached my workplace, I pretended to be calm. I boarded the car and the rest was history. We reminisced a lot about the old days, and he confessed that he didn't recall me. Although it felt awkward, I enjoyed the date. It felt pretty much like a dinner with an old friend. I came back and Mum asked me who I had gone out with. I told her it was an old friend, and told her more about him. Mum told me to give him a chance; he seemed like a nice guy. So I did. Just a few days later, he asked me out again. This time, he wanted to spend time longer outdoors. I decided to give it a go.

14 January 2023

Our second date was at a light festival. Not really our cup of tea. We just went along with the vibes. We took quite a handful of photos. I remembered he brought me close to him, his hands tightly grabbing onto my shoulder. It's been way too long since someone did that to me. I felt butterflies in my tummy. That was when I decided to hold his hands. It was my first time holding a man's hand. Yes, after 25 years, that was my first. It gave me butterflies. 

We walked around the festival before sitting near the Singapore River. I naturally leaned on his shoulder. It was my first, I never did that to any other guys. I felt happy. Very happy in fact. He sent me home soon after and talked for a bit more through text. The next thing I know, he confessed.

I didn't know how to react. It was going way too fast. It's been just a week. We were only on our second date and he already made a confession. I panicked and asked my close friends for opinions. They told me to give him an answer as we celebrate his birthday. And so, I decided to plan everything out with my best friend. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to say yes the moment I brought him his birthday cake. 

Obviously, that didn't happen. It felt weird to be saying yes in front of my friends. I told myself to wait for the perfect moment.

It was at Gardens By The Bay. We walked around for a bit before settling down near the dome. I actually had a script planned out. But I couldn't express them the way I wanted. My brain was all over. So I only asked, "Remember what you asked me last week? Do you want to know my answer?" That look on his face when I said yes. It was something I can never forget. I decided to give him a chance. He looked so happy - he had his brightest smile. It too felt like the best moment of my life, although I wasn't truly in love with him at that point. Even so, I knew he was the one. His sincerity and determination made me believe that he was the one, and I decided to give him a chance.

This was captured right after I said yes. We looked so happy. I wish to stay happy this way for a long time. It felt surreal (and still does even up to this point), like, hey, I have a boyfriend now? 

A year has passed, and I am glad we crossed paths again. He was a blessing in my life. He made me happy. He was there for me when I felt empty. He was my listening ear and my biggest supporter. I couldn't thank him enough for everything we've been through. Sure, it wasn't all sweet. Things can get prickly too sometimes, like a rose — they look and smell appealing, but if vigorously touched, the thorns might hurt.

Farhan, if you are reading this, which I'm pretty sure you will, I would like to thank you for this journey. You've taught me a lot. I would have never imagined myself being with someone who'd love me so dearly. Being single for more than 25 years has made me believe that I was not worth being loved. I was convinced that no one was going to love me; I could never find anyone who'd treasure me enough. It made me have negative thoughts - I often tell myself I am not even pretty, I am fat, I am short, I have ugly dark skin, and I probably don't even have good character. To me, it only made sense since no one was attracted to this hopeless romantic self. Rejections after rejections, it did nothing but dampened my self-esteem. I was, and still am, very much insecure of how I am when I'm with you. To this day, I still do feel this way at times because this mindset has been embroidered for a long time, and I couldn't remove it even if I wanted to.

I am thankful you are still here to tell me that I am in fact, so pretty, and I do have a nice character. I hope that you can bear my negative thoughts and with me as a whole person. I know I am not perfect and am always insecure. I know I can be a handful. But you accepted me the way I am. I can't thank you enough for this. I want you to know that you've been the best thing to ever happened in my life, and I don't wish to find anyone else in this lifetime. I hope that fate will eventually bring us together and that we can ultimately achieve our goal of tying the knot. I want you to know that it is you that I want to spend my old days together with, till death do us part. It is you that I want to spend time with in Jannatul Firdaus. I love you and will always love you, till the end of time.

Signing off with lots of love for Mohammad Farhan,

Putri Mardhiyah Yazid.

The One That Got Away

Selama ni, aku hanya menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris. Tetapi kali ini, aku akan menulis dalam bahasa Melayu kerana rasanya, aku hanya mampu luahkan rasaku dengan sejujur-jujurnya jika aku menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu.

Kepada insan bernama D, mungkin kau tak dapat baca luahan hati ini, tetapi aku tetap nak menulis, aku perlu lepaskan semua yang ada dalam hati dan minda. 

Engkaulah orangnya. Jejaka yang dah buat hidup aku berubah 180 darjah. Setiap hari, setiap malam, setiap detik, aku selalu teringatkan engkau. Esok, 17 October, genap dua bulan kita berpisah. Tetapi sampai ke hari ini, aku masih tak mengerti, kenapa kau masih ada dalam ingatan?

Hampir setiap malam aku menangis. Hampir setiap malam juga, aku bangun lalu bertahajjud dan menunaikan istikharah, adakah engkau jodohku?

Dulu, aku tak bangun begitu kerap. Tetapi aku kerap menangis. Namun sejak kebelakangan ini, aku kurang menangis, tetapi aku makin kerap bangun malam; sambil turut mendoakan agar engkau jua yang Allah pilih sebagai jodohku. 

Aku pelik, kenapa engkau masih ada dalam ingatan, sedangkan dah hampir dua bulan engkau pergi. Dahulu, sewaktu aku masih menyimpan perasaan pada cinta hati yang pertama, aku turut menangis, tetapi aku tak rasa ia sekerap ni. Aku juga tak mendoakan orang lain menjadi jodoh aku. Mungkin ye, aku pernah doakan seseorang menjadi jodohku, tetapi ia dilakukan "out of curiosity", hanya kerana aku berada di tanah haram ketika itu. Tetapi kali ni, setiap hari, nama engkau tak pernah lekang dari bibir di setiap doaku. Setiap hari, aku tak pernah berdoa seikhlas hati agar orang itu jodohku. Engkaulah yang pertama. 

Aku ingat lagi, satu ketika dahulu, sehari selepas kita bertemu, aku memberitahu Mak tentang engkau. Selama ini, jika aku menyukai seseorang, aku hanya berdiam diri. Tetapi dengan engkau, semuanya berbeza. 

Sebenarnya, aku kecewa dengan diri sendiri. Bila difikirkan semula, kenapa kita berpisah? Kenapa disebabkan perkara kecil, aku besar-besarkan, hingga menyebabkan perpisahan? Sampai sekarang, aku terfikir, apa yang akan terjadi andai kata aku tidak terlalu ikutkan hati? Mungkinkah kita akan menjadi lebih rapat? Mungkin perkara baik akan berlaku jika aku lebih bersabar? Terkadang aku rasa yang diri ini tak matang. Dan mungkin sebab tu, kita terpaksa berpisah untuk mencari arah.

Bila aku fikirkan semula, mungkin ada hikmah semua ni berlaku. Mungkin Allah nak tunjukkan yang 1) ada lelaki baik dalam dunia ni, yang jauh lebih baik dari cinta hatiku yang pertama; 2) Allah nak jadikan aku seorang yang matang; 3) Allah kirimkan engkau agar aku dapat dekatkan diri denganNya.

Ada yang kata padaku, engkau tak layak untuk aku tangiskan. Tapi, aku rasa, engkau sememangnya layak untuk aku ratapi. Engkau banyak merubah arah hidupku, selalu mengingatkanku yang keluarga harus diutamakan. Engkau juga selalu mengingatkanku tentang Tuhan selagi boleh. Mungkin sebab tu, bila kita berpisah, hati aku sakit, sebab aku tak tahu sama ada aku boleh jumpa lelaki seperti engkau.

Jujur, engkau ada segala-galanya yang aku inginkan pada seorang lelaki. Budiman orangnya (gentleman), bersopan-santun, pandai bertutur kata, baik, kelakar, matang, hormati orang tua, sayang anak kecil, jujur, dan yang paling penting, mengutamakan keluarga. Satu lagi ciri-ciri yang sebenarnya "bare minimum" tapi tak semua miliki, namun ada pada engkau, engkau seorang yang beragama. Dan ketika itu, aku betul-betul yakin yang engkau mampu bimbing aku ke syurga.

Dari segi rupa, orang kata engkau mungkin "tak makan gambar". Tetapi aku ingat lagi, bila aku bertemu engkau buat pertama kalinya, sungguh, hatiku berdegup kencang. Cinta pandang pertama barangkali. Aku ingat lagi, sebaik sahaja aku melihat engkau, aku beritahu semua sahabatku yang engkau memang jejaka idamanku. Aku tak boleh nak alihkan pandangan dari engkau. Bak kata aku, "you are the walking definition of my type of guy." Kerana itu, bila semuanya dah berakhir, aku agak ralat. And bila aku fikirkan semula tentang apa yang berlaku, aku agak kecewa dengan keputusan yang aku lakukan.

Satu perkara yang aku tak suka tentang engkau? Engkau isap rokok. Aku paling pantang sebenarnya dengan lelaki yang isap rokok. Tapi aku tak tahu kenapa, aku boleh tutup mata dengan kenyataan ni. Bila engkau mengaku yang engkau isap rokok, aku bagitahu asalkan engkau tak merokok depan aku, aku okey. Engkau juga hormat keputusanku. Engkau tak merokok depanku. Aku suka lelaki yang boleh hormati keputusan orang lain.

Sebenarnya, aku mengambil masa yang agak lama untuk mulakan hidup baru, untuk "move on". Hampir setiap hari selama lebih sebulan, aku menangis sebab teringatkan engkau dan keputusan bodoh yang aku buat. Rasanya boleh dikira guna jari berapa hari aku tak nangis. Tapi kini, aku rasa yang aku lebih kuat. Aku dah tak nangis macam dulu, walaupun aku baru menangis selama dua hari berturut-turut semalam dan kelmarin. Rasanya aku dah boleh teruskan hidup. Cuma yang menghalang rasa ini, aku masih teringatkan engkau setiap hari walaupun aku dah cuba nak lupakan kau. 

Masa kita baru berpisah, banyak yang cuba pujuk hati aku. Dan sebanyak itu juga berkata, "maybe it's the right person but the wrong time". Engkau jejakanya, tetapi masa tak mengizinkan. Terkadang, aku pun rasa begitu. Teringat lagi suatu masa dulu, kita pernah tanya masing-masing, dan kita memang merasakan yang kita mungkin berjodoh. Tapi tu lah kan..... Tak atau mungkin belum kesampaian....

Seperti yang aku cakapkan tadi, aku ada melakukan istikharah. Banyak kali sebenarnya. Berkali-kali aku tanya pada Tuhan, adakah benar "it's the right person but wrong time"? Aku pernah berdoa, jika engkau benar jodohku, simpankan sedikit rasa ini, supaya jika engkau kembali, rasa ini tetap ada untuk kau. Tapi jika tidak, bantu aku lupakan engkau. 

Buat masa ini, tak ku nafikan, memang susah untuk aku lupakan kau. Tetapi, ada juga bayangan yang menunjukkan engkaulah orangnya. Sejurus selepas beristikharah, aku bermimpi makan malam dengan engkau. Pada hari yang sama juga, mak ada berbual denganku tentang engkau. "Kawan je dulu. Jangan bermusuh. Kita tak tahu rahsia jodoh. Kalau dia betul jodoh kakak, dia akan datang balik". Beberapa hari lepas, dia berkata seperti ini walaupun kita dah berpisah: "Nanti bila dah kahwin, jangan tinggal dengan mak mertua. Tinggal sendiri. Nasib baik dia tak ada adik beradik perempuan". Siapa lagi yang mak berikan bayangan kalau bukan dia? 

Ada juga sekali, sehari selepas perkara ini berlaku, anak muridku berkata denganku, "Teacher Dhiyah, you cannot sleep because you dreamt of the person who wants to marry you?" bila aku beritahu yang aku tidak boleh tidur. Dia tak mengatakan buah hati, tetapi jejaka yang ingin bernikah denganku. Aku agak terkejut, tapi aku iyakan sahaja. Kawan baikku Danial juga beritahu aku perkara ini beberapa kali, "maybe it's the right person, wrong time". 

Aku pelik kenapa aku masih berkawan dengan engkau. Sama-sama ucapkan hari lahir untuk satu sama lain walaupun sebenarnya, tak perlu. Kita masih baik walaupun tak seperti dulu. Engkau juga baru sambut hari jadi dua hari lepas. Dan aku ada ucapkan selamat hari lahir pada engkau. 

Engkau tahu aku akan menunaikan umrah akhir tahun ini. Jadi, engkau mahu aku doakan engkau di depan Kaabah nanti. Namun, selama ini, kau hanya gunakan istilah "I You" dengan aku. Tapi entah mengapa kelmarin, engkau guna "saya". Selalunya, kita berdua menggunakan istilah"saya awak" bila terasa rindu dan sebagainya. Jadi bila engkau kata, "Doa nanti depan kaabah untuk saya dah cukup", hatiku berbunga-bunga sebenarnya, walaupun aku agak musykil, kenapa kau gunakan istilah tersebut. 

D, jangan kau risau, aku akan selalu doakan kau walau dimana pun kau berada. Maaf. Aku terpaksa berhenti menulis. Air mataku sekali lagi bercucuran. Hatiku tersentuh jua apabila kau berkata "doa nanti depan kaabah untuk saya dah cukup". Aku tak pernah tak doakan kau. Engkau sentiasa ada dalam ingatan. Tak mungkin aku tak mendoakan engkau. Doakan kebahagiaan dan kebaikan sahaja untuk engkau. 

Tak apa lah. Andaikata engkau bukan jodoh aku, aku redha. Akan ada yang lain pasti datang menyapa. Tapi andai kata engkau sememangnya untukku, aku doakan agar engkau hadir kembali dalam hidupku. Aamiin ya Rabbal Alamin, insyaallah.

Two years in BH, already????

19 September 2016.

It was a nerve-wracking day for me. This day made a 180 degrees change to my life. Sometimes, I wished I could turn back time and run away from reality instead, but it would only mean that I'm a petty loser if I do so. Since I made this decision, I had to "face the music".

Singapore Press Holdings from a different perspective.

This is where I spend 1/3 of my day every weekday.

Started my 19th with a new beginning (the day before, on 18th September, was my birthday by the way). My school sent me for a 5-month internship in Berita Harian (BH) as a journalist.

Before the new beginning, my school wanted their students to choose the best four out of the 12 choices listed for our internship. I remembered choosing radio, journalism, publishing, and also something to do with video editing (I can't remember the term, but it has something to do with promotions).

I've always wanted to do radio and to be very honest, it has always been my dream to become a deejay in the Warna 94.2fm, the Malay radio station. Other than the chance to get close and personal with the listeners, I really wanted to meet celebrities, lots of celebrities! (that was my number one reason and motivation to stay in this industry hahaha😅)

However, the school chose the "journalist for radio" position for me instead. So I, whom had ZERO knowledge on the current affairs (I still do because I don't like reading the newspaper. Oh the irony!), failed the knowledge test. I was so disappointed because I missed my chance to enter the radio industry (I cried over it, what's new🙂).

However, my lecturers didn't want to give up on me, so they sent me to BH. I was praying to God, please please PLEASE let me pass the test and interview because I didn't want to go to the production line (if I were to fail the test again, I need to go to a production house and spend the rest of my five months there. At that point in time, I was already doing production work for my Final Year Project, so I think I would vomit blood if I were to face it for another five months lol). Alhamdulillah, I passed. I was so happy, I think I cried (AGAIN) hahahahah😆

Obviously, it didn't end there. I didn't understand the actual job scope of a journalist. The only thing I had in mind was "journalism involves writing, maybe I can do well". Keyword, maybe. I thought I could wing it perfectly because I love writing, I always have. I forgot that I have to go out and conduct interviews. God damn it, I HATE INTERVIEWS.

-----

Took photos for the monthly award with this team in 2017.

Day One.

As I stepped into the cemetery-like office to the secretary room on my first day of internship, I had a major culture shock. There was no one (okay there were people, but not that many). The office was super quiet, I thought my footsteps were louder than anything else.

Whatever shown in the movies, it was all a LIE. The chaotic scene in the newsroom, people running around the whole office, calling here and there loudly, it NEVER HAPPENED. (Okay maybe it did happen, but I think it only happened like less than 10 times throughout my entire two years?)

-----

Moving on to my first job. I was with my colleague, Irma, and we had to interview this kid who was active in K1 kart sports. I was so thankful because my task was to only write, and not to interview. I was such a rookie, and to be frank, I didn't know what to ask. So I pathetically just sat there, staring at the blank air while listening to Irma conducting the interview.

I took quite some time to do the story (the newsroom term for articles) because I transcribed the interview audio word for word. Also, since we didn't take Malay in polytechnic, I didn't have a chance to write in Malay. So my Malay was really rusty back then.

This is when the funny story comes in. 

I did a double check, triple check, basically more than the amount I can think of. And since I always get an A1 for my Malay in school, I thought I was a pro and was very sure that my story was perfect, and I'm gonna wing it because hell nah, there ain't any mistakes right there.

But ummm, oh well, I was WRONG.

My Malay was so HORRIBLE (my colleague, Fathin, read my unedited story, and told me that it was horrendous) that the sub-editor changed EVERYTHING. I was appalled when I read the final piece because it was a whole new different story altogether. From that situation onwards, I realised that I have to buck up.

Okay, before we continue, let's take a look at some of my photos in BH, shall we?

My BH fam celebrating my birthday (along with the other September babies) last week.

All of us coincidentally wore pink, so (front row, from left) me, Hadi,
(from left) Fathin, Kak Haiza, Aisyah, and Humaira
took this chance to snap a photo together.

Moving on to my first interview. I was sweating buckets. I wanted to cry. I had to write down the questions because I wasn't spontaneous enough. I look peaceful and calm on the outside, but the fact is that I'm nervous as hell. I think I can hear myself trembling lol. I had to refer to my notebook each time I asked a question. Thank God my interviewee was nice!

My first time interviewing live on stage in front of a crowd and I almost peed in my pants because I was super nervous. Thank God everything went smoothly, Alhamdulillah.

Also, not to forget, my first phone interview. If there is one thing that I hate more than conducting interviews, it will definitely be phone interviews a.k.a phoner.

My first phoner was with Singapore's Malay comedian, Hussein Saaban. It was hella scary because one, I HATE calling people (I would do anything to avoid making calls) and two, I had to interview a well-known person. So, making an interview through a phone call is a bad combination. *cries a river*


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Rising star, Syafiq Farhain ft me who was struggling to take photos.

Being in a newsroom, especially with limited manpower, we journalists have to know on how to multitask. When I first started, I had no clue on taking photos and not much knowledge while handling videos. I was so stressed that I felt like I was going to cry (I think I'm a crybaby lol).

The photo on the right was me struggling as I tried taking photos of this rising star, Syafiq Farhain. I might look calm, but I was really panicking because it was my first time taking photos of celebrities, so I had no idea how to take that kind of photos. So what I did was to just "rembat" (anyhow) and took the photos.

However, as I go along, I learn to pick up these three skills — photography skills, videography skills, and video editing skills.



The best part of my job? Of course is when our story made it to page one, especially if it's our own story. The story below is my own story for BH's front page in 2017, on the day students get their O-level results.

My first front page story.

Okay, I take back my words. Maybe it's not only about getting my stories to the front page.

I also feel happy whenever I witness my newsmakers (interviewees) getting excited when they see themselves getting featured in the newspaper.

Sometimes too, through the interviews, I get to listen to heartbreaking and moving stories and honestly, it changes my perspective so much about the world. It makes me feel motivated to do the write-ups and videos so that I can get to share their stories with you, you, and YOU.

 

With one of the interviewees for a video interview. This couple got married last year at the age of 70.
Check out the story and video on BH's website and Facebook page.

BH iftar with Sufie Rashid and girls from the Pertapis home.

Remember when I mentioned that I wanted to meet many celebrities at work? I guess God has fulfilled my wish because I was given the opportunity to not only meet but to do interviews with so many celebrities, living legends, and definitely my idols! GAHHHHH!!!

My favourite singer of all time, Syamel. I ran after him for the sake of a photo.

After an interview with rising star, Haqiem Rusli.

After a video interview with Wany Hasrita.

I used to have a girl-crush on this Indonesian singer, Rossa.

The Malay rock living legend, Ella.

With my Mr Jampi, Hael Husaini after the AJL32 press conference.

Malaysian's heartthrob, Syafiq Kyl

With the Best vocal winner in AJL for straight three years, Dayang Nurfaizah.

Singapore's multi-talented celebrity, Hannah Delisha,
who made it big in Malaysia.

Malaysian's music icon, Mr FT, Faizal Tahir.

Malaysia's Smule king, Khai Bahar.

Me and my former intern colleague, Aliah, together with the beauty with brain, Farah Nabila.

Fathin's husband-material (as she claimed), Fikry Ibrahim.

A wefie together with my fave baby-celeb, Ariff Jiwa!
(and his parents of course hehehe)

The MeleTOP queen, Neelofa (middle) ft Kak Haryani (extreme right),
Humaira (blue tudung), and me, the potato.

I actually have more photos, but I think there's too much to upload for this post. So I recommend you to go to my Instagram, @Mardhiyah_Yazid instead to check out more teehee!😝

Two years have passed, am I am truly blessed to be here. I feel blessed for the opportunity to travel to places/concerts/events I never dreamt of going, like going for NDP and Anugerah Planet Muzik, and also travelling to Kuala Lumpur for Anugerah Juara Lagu 32 and Anugerah Meletop Era 2018.

Anugerah Planet Muzik 2017.

Me and Fathin (right) at NDP 2018.

I'm so blessed with a very understanding and generous supervisor. I am truly blessed with such a lively and friendly working environment, flexible working hours. I am definitely blessed with people who I treat like my own family.

My fave people in BH, Fathin (right), 

and Syamimi(left). 

Both of them are sisters by blood by the way.

Took this in 2017 during CNY eve. Gong Xi Gong Xi!

This was taken after we had our lunch
at Enak Enak Restaurant at East Coast Park,
sponsored by our dearest supervisor, Hadi.
Yes, that's right, we have the best supervisor!

I can't deny that I went through so many ups and downs for the past two years in BH. Having haywire working hours (I ever started work as early as 5am and ended work as late as 3am!), less social life and family time, and so much more, but I guess, every job has its own challenge, right?

I always tell myself, no matter how hard it is, I will still survive and I shall not give up. I've crossed the path halfway and I shall not stop running and should instead keep on going.

So that's all from me. I hope that you guys benefitted something from this long ass post worth my two years in BH.

Lots of Love,

Putri👑

Back with a new beginning✨

Time check, it's 3:00 am right now, as shown on my Oppo phone's clock.

Wow, how long have I not been blogging? The last time I tried to religiously update my blog was in 2016, which was two YEARS ago. Yup, it was really long!

How did I ended up here after so long? Well actually, I was just sitting at the quiet cemetry-like office (yes, I finally settled down with a job at Singapore's only Malay newspaper, Berita Harian, as a journalist) in the morning when I suddenly got remembered of this blog. I forgot that this blog existed wayyy before my any other social media platforms (speaking of which, you guys can give my social media accounts a follow, @mardhiyah_yazid).

I tried reading my old posts and I couldn't help but to cringe so much! Don't get me started on how awful and horrifying my English was back then. Trust me, it was really horrible.

Time to time, I try to improve on my English. Though it's still not 100% perfect, I hope that it can at least be understood by people of all ages.

Also, as I progress each day, I tend to become more matured, especially with such a working enenvironment. Maybe that's the reason why I cringed so hard as I read again my old posts, LOL.

So here I am right now, writing again in the wee hours after so long. I've also changed most of the things in this blog (literally took hours to make the layout and such) so please don't get shocked with the changes. Don't worry, you came to the right blog, ayeee?

Alright, I guess it's time for me to sleep. You guys needa wait for my next post. It's going to be a very special and meaningful post. Till then, goodbye!

Lots of Love,
Putri

New Year, New........

Hey loveyssss!
Feels nice to be blogging again. Well, just an update, tomorrow will be my first day as a year 3 student. DAYUMMMM that's fast right? It felt like I just entered poly like yesterday. And now, I'm a senior.:')

The best part of being in the third year? NO EXAMS LA..... WEEEEHOOOOOO💃🏽 Just internship and TEP. But i don't know whether should I be looking forward to year 3 or not. Like, hey, I'm in year 3 now and I'll graduate soon so yeayyy there's no need to study. At the same time, I don't want to graduate just yet because everything seems to fast for me. Like, what will I do after graduating man?? And, this indicates that I'll be leaving my favourite squads in poly, my "Brown Knight" aka Posh Accents, and Pusaka Seni.😞 The worst part is that my poly clique will be going different ways for TEP. All of them are doing print while me, I'll be doing Channel Management. Truth hurts, I guess? But thank goodness, two of my other good friends, Ka Wei and Cynthia will be in Channel Management with me. I just hope that Channel Management will be fun.....😕

Oh and yes, my CCA will be producing an upcoming production in a few weeks time. I'm so excited yet nervous for this event. Well, I'm the scriptwriter in my group, and I really hope that my group can win those awards offered that night. Pray for the best for me guys! Hope everything runs smoothly that night.🙏🏽

Yup its a short update of my life, but that's all.

Lots of Love,
Putri💕

Then love, it is.

Hello viewers!
15/01/2016, but I hope that its still not too late to wish everyone a happy new year!
Sorry for not blogging for so long. Why am I blogging today? Well, I just wanna express out my feelings for that special someone.

Well, I found my first love 5 years ago 6 years ago. And I stupidly thought he was the one for me. For 5 god damn years I put on so much hope on him. But didn't know that I would go through a terrible heartbreak. That feeling, when you are in love with someone but that person just doesn't love you back, and talks shit about you, well, that's really heartbreaking. I got so depressed, I cried everyday thinking about someone whom doesn't even love me.  Since then, I thought, I might never find anyone who could ever replaced him, maybe I was just too traumatized by what happened?

But just as I thought I would never ever find a new love, God sent me someone whom have succeeded in searching the key to the door of my heart again. Fate from God, you can never deny them. Who would knew, a person whom have always been with you all along would be the one you'll fall for. I never knew the guy that I knew seven years ago, is the person whom I will fall for. Yes, we did not talk that much a few years ago, and only got closer after this one event held for my madrasah. This guy, whom I shall just refer to as Mr. Right, persuaded me to join a cca in poly because he wanted more people to join in this cca. I did not want to, but after much persuasion, I agreed to join. But little did I know which subgroup in the cca was I joining. When he told me that he's signing me up for drama, I was so happy. Like, I love doing drama, and for someone to tag me along to do something that I really love, I would not want to miss that opportunity! *ps: till now I still don't know how does he know that I love to act???*

After some time, we got even closer, because both of us were chosen as the main cast for our production. Going home together after trainings and those heart-to-heart talks were one of the excuses to get closer to him. I felt butterflies on my tummy whenever I see him. And I got jealous every time I see him talking to his girl friends, but I just can't do anything about it because he's not mine to begin with.:')

He's not that cute, and he's far from good-looking. But why did I fall for him? Well, one thing that I could assure you is that he has a pure and kind heart. He was there for me for two of the major events in my life, and whenever I needed that support and motivation. I was really nervous for the release of my o-level results, but he was there to calm me down. I was really demotivated for my production, I really thought I was going to screw things up, but he was there for me to give the fullest support. And I really appreciate that kind of people.:')
Well that's not the only character in him that made me fall for him. I really liked him for his annoying yet funny teases, his lame yet funny jokes, his respect for both his parents, his love towards kids and most importantly never missing his daily prayers, because I really want a man that can bring me together along with him to Jannah.:')

That's when I learned that I've actually fall for him. It was really shocking and unexpected. How could I not see him the way I do now a few years back?

I'm really sad by the fact that we are drifting away from one another and not as close as we were then after the production ended. Maybe he was drifting away because he already knew  how I felt towards him and didn't want to make things so awkward?? Rumours has it guys, rumour has it. People said that it was too obvious that I liked him and I have to agree with that.

I just hope that one day, he will realize that I do have feelings for him and hope that he feels the same way I do. I don't want to go through another heart-breaking moment.  He might not be my first, but I really hope that he'll be my last love.

And to you, my hopefully Mr. Right, if you see this post, I want you to know that I really like you. I know I am so obvious, and I'm trying to control my feelings because you are currently not mine. If we are meant to be, we are meant to be. But if we're not, I hope that we don't go on  separate ways because I don't want to lose contact with someone whom have opened the door of my heart again after that horrible heartbreak. I hope that we are meant to be together. But if we're not, I hope that you are happy with your life always achieve the things that you want in your life. I hope that you will be happy with the the special person you've chosen to be your other half and I hope that you didn't choose the wrong lady.
I'm sorry if I've hurt you in any way, or if I have done anything that might create discomfort. I hope that you will be fine. :')

Lots of Love,
Putri 💕

*i really want to post a photo of us together, but I don't want to take the risk.*

Posh Accents✨

Hey readers!
It has been a year since I've been enrolled in Nanyang Polytechnic(NYP), taking the diploma of Mass Media Management(yup, give one stroke on that wishlist of mine). I had to make new friends in this new environment, and I have to say this, I really hate doing that. I'm socially awkward around people I'm not familiar with. With the new environment, I was really afraid that I could not adapt to the poly life. Well, I was wrong. I've met with the best people in poly. These 7 girls changed my life a lot. It has been a hard year for me, but, I'm really glad that I have my girls by my side when I'm at the lowest point of my life.

Seriously, these girls are da bomb.
                   

The Gorgeous✨

In case you guys have been wondering what is my clique's name, well, we've been changing names for the 7839462 times. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Well it was once called "Kool Kids"(sounded cliche though) and then I changed it to ''The Gorgeous". The Gorgeous because they ARE gorgeous, inside out.

Okay back to the story. So we finalized our name as "Posh Accents" well merely because they liked it.💁

These girls really taught me a lot about life. One thing that I love about them is that we love to have deep conversations, but of course, with a funny twist.😏



So, lemme introduce them, one by one. Well, there's 8 of us, so lemme start of with the "coolest" among us, Deanna.

Deanna💕

This girl, is one of a kind. (Ok, maybe not. HAHAHAHAHA.😂) But one thing that's definitely about her, she LOVEEEESSSS acting cool. O.M.G. She will be talking in those accents, I'm sure she's the funniest among my clique. She's that one brave girl that I think only she's the only one whom tell me off. Fuhhh I salute u lah babe! And one thing that I like about her is her swag-ness(is there even a word called swag-ness?😂). Her indie style, her dimples, her bugs' teeth and her camel look is definitely one of the reasons why you guys should be atracted to her.HEHE.I love you Dee.💕

Next up, we have the innocent looking girl, Siti, (or more like Syaimah). hehe. I call her by both names so don't be confused.        
    

Syaimah💕

 This girl, she was the first person that attract my attention. For one simple reason, she wears hijab, like me. Well, at first, I thought she's that very popular girl, because of the way she dress up. Her face was sooo bitchy, not even a smile, I wanted to know her more but I was shy and scared. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! But... First impression doesn't last right? hehe.😝 She is one of the kindest and sweetest soul I've ever met. Helping me out in every way possible. Being my listening ear if I need one. Well, that's why she's my Siti Intan Payung.💕





Now, lemme introduce to you this bubbly girl, Jacinth!

Jacinth💕

Well, she's one of the cutest girl I've ever seen! If you got a joke, Jacinth will be the first person who'll be laughing at your jokes, no matter how lameeeee it is!😂
She may look like the youngest, but the truth is, she's the oldest among us. (okay, she's not THAT old.. Just a year older though hahahahahha) One thing I really like about her is that whenever she laughs, her whole body would be bouncing, like she's dancing. Se cute i cannot! HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!!😂 She's one of my competitor,  the horny guru in the clique. But just as when everyone thought she's the one with the most "knowledge", I proved them wrong. MUAHAHHAHAHA. And so I took her place as the horny guru.*Well Jacinth, you just can't beat me.💁😂*

(sorry Jac, I just had to🙊)

Okay, let's take a break!
Here are some of our photos that you guys can look at.

Our first selfie, a full one.

We got nothing better to do.

Just as we thought it was a perfect group photo,
my classmate photobombed this perfect photo.

I was not in school, so they took a selfie
without me sighhh..

Still feeling unwell so they went for Hari Raya outing
without me sighhh..

Yep, I was sick.

AND I HATE THIS SITUATION,
I'M NOT IN THIS BEAUTIFUL PICTURE!

Okay well at least I'm in this pic HAHAHAH!

Farhana💕

Okay moving on. I'm going to introduce to you to one of the hottest mama in the clique, Farhana!(When I say mama, I don't mean mummy-mama lah okay, but you geddit.) This girl, is a totally sweet girl. She's always calling people donkey and idiot but i know she don't mean it la duhhh...(I like it when she said "donkey!"  because she say it cutely, like Donkeeeeeeyyyyyy!!!) And her indian accent is a win man!(Sometimes I wish that I have that Indian accent like hers, LOL.) She might be one of the most random girl I've ever met. Shouting random words during classes, and suddenly asking you, "Eh, how's your day today?" But she's definitely the most frank and helpful girl you can find. Giving you all the advices and motivation that you need. Everytime when I think I'm not doing my best or I need a friend that I could get an opinion, she will always be there to comfort or share her thoughts. And that's why I love her.💕

Sameera💕

We meet again Sam...We meet again... I'm telling you, this girl is a real proud Directioner.  Tell her anything about One Direction, and you are instantly her best friend!(or maybe not?) If there's a Directioner Award, I think she has a high chance of winning. Well, this girl here is a talkative, and I think she had beaten my record for being the chattiest person! Yes, I can't deny that I talk alot, but my moment of talkativeness only come once in a blue moon. BUT THIS GIRL TALKS ALOT I JUST THINK THAT SHE HATES SILENCE HAHHAHAHAHA!!!There's always a topic that she will talk about. Sometimes I do feel uncomfortable about her talking too much, but hey, everyone has a special thing in them, right? I really think she is going to be a very successful scriptwriter(she can give A LOT OF IDEAS SERIOUSLY) or deejay if she becomes one. And I think that without her, this clique wouldn't be as fun because there's no one to start a conversation.And that's why I love you Sam. You're seriously the convo starter Sam..hehe..💕

*in case you don't know, she was from the same primary school as me, but we did not talk at all, because we were from different classes. And sorry Sam, I did not know your name then.🙊*

(OHMYGOD I WROTE TOO MUCH ABOUT SAM???)

Fre💕

 The busy bee among us. Hey Fre! But hey, no matter what, she would always try to make some time to be with us. She was also the very first person whom started talking to me. Haha, I still remember how awkward we were that moment, and she was like "Hi my name is Frenandez, you can call me Fre!" And I still remember how hard it was, trying to control my bladder because I don't know the way in NYP. But she, kind-heartedly accompanied me to the toilet because I was already shivering and sweating. Up till now, I still feel guilty for thinking that she came from The Philippines because of her really unique name, and somehow she looked like one. (sorry Fre >.<) I would like to thank her for saying "Hi" to me the first time we met because if not, all of us might not be together (maybe, maybe not). I love u Fre!💕

Faisha💕

Okay, last BUT not least, let me introduce you guys to the Queen, Faisha! During the orientation, she was the person I was eyeing for. Like, she's such a cutie, and she somehow reminded me of my junior in HS. She was so friendly(she's still friendly now guysssss) but she was with other groups and its only the first/second day so I had no balls (girls by right have no balls okayyyyy) to talk to her. If you think you have the sass, try her. She's the sassiest girl I've ever met, oh my, I think I need to learn from her how to sass around. Lol. What do I like about her? Okay, it sounds odd and really weird, but I like seeing her angry. The inner bitchiness will emerge and that's when her sass would reach to the max. She's so funny when she's angry, like SHE HAS THE CUTEST ANGER. PEOPLE PLEASE.✋ I still love you eventhough you're not angry, gurl.😉










Oh well, we have come to an end. Since this is a one-year anniversary, I would like to dedicate a message to the 7 of you. I know I can't write a long message on Instagram, what more Twitter.(okay maybe whatsapp can but mehhhh) Its hard to feature someone in my blog, what more a group. But guys, you guys have thought me a lot. I know I have been nasty, always being an electron(because its negative HAHAHAHA), I know I've made a lot and lots and lots of mistakes while a year being with you guys. I am truly very sorry for what I have done before. I know I have a suckish attitude. I am trying my best to be more composed and not raging everywhere and anywhere. It really takes time. I have gone through a lot, and that always add up to the stress level. I know I'm a bit too harsh but I really do not mean it. No matter what, you guys are my number 3 okay!(Allah comes first, my family comes second, best friends come 3rd!) I am really trying my best to stay calm, I really don't want to offend people anymore. If you guys always wonder why I often kept my mouth shut while I'm angry, well, simple. I have a blade in my mouth when I'm angry. If I speak up, I'm afraid I would wound a heart (please don't laugh, I'm trying my best to speak good English okay guys!) I don't want to continuously hurt your feelings because I don't want our friendship to be cold. If I get angry, please calm me down. Just try doing something so that I'll cool down. I know I'm scary when I'm angry, but guys, I don't eat people. I need you guys to give me the moral support because I can't do it alone. So please pray for me guys.

#PrayforPutri2k15

I just hope that after poly, our friendship doesn't end. I would pray for you guys. All of you will always be in my prayers. All the best for ur future. I may not be the best, but I will make you guys my best. One of the best place in my heart.
LoL,
Putri💕

*8th May 2015,
Happy birthday Syaimah!Sayang kau ketat-ketat!*

Forever always~